How many of you have been banned from playing a bard in campaigns? I need to know for science.
For anyone that might ask- I had to sign a legally binding contract to not play bard characters if I wanted to join a campaign in my old group.
this is an outrage.
here’s what you do:
be a half-elf. the skill versatility trait is similar to the bard’s starting skill proficiencies
play a warlock. again, similar starting proficiencies. charisma is your spellcasting ability. very bardy
your otherworldly patron is the great old one. or the archfey. except call them your “otherworldly muse” or “otherworldly patron of the arts”
pick spells on the bard spell list, such as minor illusion, mage hand, dissonant whispers, or Tasha’s hideous laughter
take the entertainer background. much bard. wow.
choose pact of the blade if you’re a valor bard or pact of the tome if you’re a lore bard. i recommend the latter. pick the vicious mockery cantrip (because bard), as well as guidance and resistance (to emulate bardic inspiration)
for eldritch invocations, take beguiling influence for more skill proficiencies and book of ancient secrets to ape the bard’s magical secrets feature
if you miss having expertise, splash in a level or six of rogue, perhaps at fifth level
voila! you’re a bard in all but name. that’ll show ‘em
People who insist that raising the dead in D&D is inherently evil are lorecucks
Dungeons and dragons settings were made to be home brewed to shit this is not an opinion
You know what here’s another ripping hot take: the only reason becoming a lich is evil is because the ritual as described in various d&d texts contains a ton of extremely evil acts as necessary steps
But you can change that
you can do anything in dnd, except have a smoothly running campaign with reliable attendance and meetup times
slams fist onto ground alright wake up ya lazy bones it’s time to wreckhouse and you shake the earth so much that it forces some skeletons conscious again
the opposing party of heroes gestures in upset shock. how did you. do that. that’s not how magic works
E.g. when the party is battling the evil lich in his lair: “as your highly trained warriors continue to beat up the old man in his living room…”
my dtd group compulsively does this.
interrogating evil!corp executives = “we kidnap old ladies!”
stopping evil!corp from using a planet with a corrupt puppet government as a giant money laundry = “we blow up el presidente and take all the drugs!”
our next story arc looks to be literally going to war against a hat, though, and i don’t think i can make that sound worse than it already is.
…what did the hat do?
became a god.
it’s a long story. it involves about six continguous months of ‘seebs no’ and several examples of lory being a damn hooligan. there were ziggurats and other worrying shapes. murphy was like “they look like chicken necks. i’m gonna wring ‘em.” but they wouldn’t stay dead. and then seebs no. and the hat. and it sort of metastasized? i’m not sure who put the demon lord in there. now the asshole of space is expanding. i think if we turned this job down the inquisition would put us all in a small box forever so off we go up the universe’s colon.
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