outofcontextdnd:

DM: Okay, that’s a hit. Where do you swing your flame blade at the ogre? 

Druid: The neck area. 

DM: Any last words before you behead Shrek? 

Druid: I Am The All Star Now 

yourplayersaidwhat:

Context:
This is from one of my first forays into DMing a few years ago with some new players. The Paladin had lost his sword to a tree after critically missing the goblin and he’s just retrieved it.

Me: “You pull the sword out of the tree but it’s covered in sap; and we both know you can’t have a dirty blade.”

Paladin: “I lick the blade clean!”

Me: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?

Paladin: *nods*

Me: ”…Fine, roll under your Intelligence.“

Paladin: *rolls 18, 4 over 14*

Me, very fed up from previous shenanigans: “You proceed to cut off your tongue. All characters must now make an opposed charisma check with you to understand your charades. You get a +4 on those rolls for every point you rolled over your intelligence.”

genquerdeer:

battlecrazed-axe-mage:

scribefindegil:

scribefindegil:

an official d&d sourcebook: Dragons like to draw stars around their own names to show how important they are

“Important ideas are emphasized in spoken Draconic by stressing the beginning and end of the word. In the written form, important words are marked with a special symbol of six lines radiating outward, similar to an asterisk  *. This device is most often used by dragons when referring to themselves.”

I aspire to this level of Extra

“No, brave heroes! Come no further…”

“This cave is occupied by an ancient dragon called… *~*flamedrake69*~*…”

lesbianlinkle:

lesbianlinkle:

fitness instructor person: drop and give me 20

me:

crownsnbirds:

nakmorkesh:

today my players:

– got pickpocketed by a 12 year old child

– our wizard decided the best way to stop him was to cast magic missile at the child

– child almost died 

– wizard got arrested and then bailed out

– players went to a casino to find the thieves guild but the wizard drank fantasy moonshine and passed out 5 minutes in so they couldnt

– next day, its 8:45am and they didnt want to go in too early so they found other things to do during the day

– i had 1 thing planned – a fighting arena – but improved 2 shitty things (a market and a rock museum) so theyd chose the arena

– no

– no

– my players chose the rock museum

– they go to the rock museum that only has five rocks and is run by a goliath man

– he asks if they want the guided tour of these 5 rocks – the fighter says yes and pays 2 copper pieces

– guided tour (that i had to make up on the spot)

– rock 1 – a greystone rock from the greystone area that i found when my brother pushed me off of a cliff at age 5

– rock 2 – a blackstone rock from the blackstone area that my brother gave to me to apologise

– rock 3 – a volcanic rock i found when i lost my leg looking for rocks in a volcano

– rock 4 – the rock i killed my brother with

– rock 5 – a pebble my boyfriend taught me how to skip rocks with – this is my fave rock

– wizard goes and finds a cool rock to give goliath and ends up vomiting over the pebble due to being hungover

– goliath doesnt realise and wizard lures him out of the building whilst fighter cleans up the vomit

– wizard and goliath have a touching heart to heart moment

– goliath says goodbye and takes the pebble with him into a sideroom

– as he leaves the fighter asks him what his name is

– goliath turns round dramatically

– my name,,is,,dwayne johnson 

@rowingviolahere

yourplayersaidwhat:

My players (D&D 5e) were fighting a were-rat and 5 bandits in a cellar full of supplies (the owner was a shut in and hoarded food barrels). After killing all but one, the last one being a bandit who ran out of sight from our druid into a corner near a barrel of squash. They go to look near the closed barrel and can’t find him.

Druid: Where did that other one go? He went this way!

Fighter: is he in the barrel?

Bard: get the rope, i’ll sit on it until we want to open it and get him

They spend a solid 5 minutes arguing about who’s gonna open it, what they will say, who’s gonna tie the guy up. When they finally open up the barrel, it’s just squash.

Druid: WHAT THE F*CK, WHERE IS HE??

They end up checking for a false bottom, before the druid casts detect magic. 

DM: There’s Conjuration magic on the squash at the top

Druid: DID HE GO TO THE FREAKING SQUASH DIMENSION WHAT THE HELL

Everyone starts laughing, and now they won’t let that joke die. Every time someone disappears its always THE SQUASH DIMENSION. 

Ps The bandits all had pearls of misty step, that is how he got out. They took so long and were so loud they didn’t hear him run out the door.