Concept: That scene in every 90s high school movie where someone shows the new kid around the cafeteria (”that table is the nerds, those are the jocks, the goths, the cheerleeders” etc) except it’s a medieval tavern and each table has a different d&d class.
“So, let’s start from the outside in; you may be wondering why the walls are zig-zagged like that, that’s so there are enough dark, shadowy corners for all the lonesome, mysterious rangers who only go by one-word nicknames.
“Over by the kitchens you see the Goth Kids; four warlocks, a necromancer and a Barbarian who got confused.
“By the bar you’ll find the Bards, of course; fun to listen to but don’t stop to talk or you’ll wake up tomorrow morning with no money, having drunk it all.
“The sober-looking bunch playing cards are the Assassins. They spend the entire game making subtle threats at one another but none of them do anything without getting paid so you’re probably okay.
“And those bros chugging entire barrels of mead and punching each other are the Fighters. Fun guys, if a little slow- oh, except Eddie, he’s an Eldritch Knight and is a little odd, but brighter than you’d think.
“God botherers over by the entrance are the Clerics and Paladins. Either group on their own are fine; Clerics drink like fish and Pallys tell great stories, but together they’re like…God Off.
“And, the greatest people on earth, the “Nerds”; Wizards and Sorcerers. First lot have lots of cash, second makes them spend it.”
“And who’s the funny fellow sitting on the ground outside?”
“Ah, just a Monk. Most don’t drink, and the ones that do…they’re a bit much, even for this place.”
Me: ok cool *literally just says the lyrics of Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake*
needless to say, I’ve been thinking about this all day and have over analyzed this to try to determine exactly what this character would be. So class:
I want a girl with a mind like a diamond I want a girl who knows what’s best
Its clear from these lines that she has high intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence is emphasized with the lines “
She is fast and thorough/And sharp as a tack” and considering she is fast she likely has high dexterity.
So this is a Dex/Wisdom/Intelligence build which makes me think that she is a ranger. She may, however be using a dueling fighting style instead of archery, since later lines say she “uses a machete” so she clearly has still with one-handed weaponry.
Her alignment is suggested in two instances. One being “With fingernails that shine like justice.” Though this doesn’t necessarily mean she idealizes justice, this can be implied. So she is on the good end of the good/evil spectrum, and because she “uses a machete to cut through red tape” she clearly is not lawful. She does not get bogged down with bureaucracy but cuts through it. There is not other indications that she chaotic, so I am inclined to call her neutral, making her neutral good.
Her race is harder to pin down, but given that she was “eyes that burn like cigarettes,” that may suggest that she was red or orange eyes. This means Drow or Tiefling. Now, given that she also has, “shoes that cut” this could suggest that she has sharp hooves, meaning Tiefling. I would also point out that she changes her name from Kitty to Karen, and Tiefling are known for taking on new names.
So TL:DR, the girl with a short skirt and long jacket is a neutral good tiefling ranger named Karen who specializes in a dueling fighting style
This is the best D&D-related post I’ve seen in months, fantastic work.
Bard: I poke the slime with a stick.
DM: Squish squish. It’s slime.
Paladin: Guys, I think it’s slime.
Bard: Turn around, let’s see if it moves.
DM: Squish squish, it’s slime.
Ranger: I’ll touch it with o n e toe.
DM: Squish squish, it’s slime.
Ranger: …I’ll step on it?
Everyone, in tandem: SQUISH SQUISH IT’S SLIME
I thought I hit rock bottom, but at the bottom were the players, digging.
brianna's tumblr exports 