It was my first time DMing, using the 5e d&d starter set as my campaign template. Of course, it should have been an ordinary, cliched, goblin-rich dungeon adventure… had it not been for the pair of +20 Charisma bards who broke the game:
Me: There are a pair of goblins stationed outside the–
Bard A: I SEDUCE THEM
Me: …
Me: …roll for charisma, I guess?
-Bard B rolls a 16, and Bard A rolls a nat 20.
Bard A: OIL ME UP, DANNY
Whole party: *dies*
-Both bards step into the open, strip naked, and begin erotically rubbing each other with olive oil. The goblins are entranced, and eventually begin to throw themselves at the bards.
-Having gained two allies, the party enters the goblin lair (the bards are still naked).
Me: One of the goblins warns you about three scouts ahead–
Bard A: I SEDUCE THEM
Me:
Me: …I mean, sure *laughing*
-Only one bard succeeds, but all four are having an orgy at this point, which attracts the attention of the goblins in hiding…
-The rest of the party can’t really do much at this point, especially when, after passing through every section of the lair, the pair of bards have singlehandedly bent the will of an entire goblin tribe at level 1.
-At the end of the path where the goblin chief and bodyguards are, the bards have acquired 14 goblin followers.
Me: You come to a heavy wooden door–
Bard B: Dude, this is the boss room!
Bard A: I SEDUCE THE BOSS
Me:
Me:
Me: *smirks evilly*
-Our orc forceably opens the door, after which the bards get decent charisma rolls. However, the goblin chief is ~massively~ uninterested (as the only female goblin in this adventure, she is also a lesbian). She starts yelling in Ghukliak, gesturing toward the adventurers rudely, shaking her head.
-The aforementioned orc notices the horde of goblins shoot each other glances, starting to question their allegiance as their chief lectures her underlings. He decides to take action, taking a swift step forward and executing the goblins’ leader in one blow.
There was a shocked pause.
And then, after just two rounds, my entire party was wiped out by a total of sixteen (mostly naked) rabid goblins.
A++ first experience as a DM. I have no regrets. 😂
*cracks knuckles* i didnt get my medical license revoked for nothing
d&d/pathfinder source: tieflings tend to be either reclusive or disguised,even their deeds of heroism are done from the shadows,for fear of mistrust and violence from other races
literally every tiefling pc: *rests a cloven hoof on a bench,10 foot horns prominently visible as their prehensile tail emerges* what is UP my fellow fiends
here’s my idea for a movie character: he’s a stereotypical wizened old wizard, im talking long grey beard and robes and staff of power and everything, who has legends told of his incredible power and the first half of the movie is the rest of the characters looking for this guy to help them defeat the evil fuck lord
the twist is that they reach the dread fortress or whatever and they start fighting fuck lord’s minions and the wizard just throws his staff aside and whips a glock out of his robes and guns them down
(My character is starting to open up somewhat. He’s just told a heavily edited version of his life story, sharing that after his people tried to kill him, he miraculously survived. Then a few years later someone almost kills him again, and yet he survived. Both players are staring at me, baffled.)
Druid: Damn, if you die again I’m keeping your corpse.
(Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Me: WHY?!
Druid: You just got done telling us you’ve basically died twice now, and somehow survived! I want to make sure you don’t come back!
DM: Oh thank god, I thought you wanted to keep his corpse to sell on the black market!
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