Start a business selling faulty rpg items. Such as brass knuckles that do 1d6 lightning damage but due to conduction you also take damage.
A flail made from aloe leaves so it healed as it dealt damage.
A ring of frostbite. Over time your hand slowly gets more and more frostbitten.
An enchanted scythe. Once in battle, it becomes painfully obvious the “enchantment” was Minor Illusion. It’s actually made of cardboard.
An axe that doesn’t do damage but makes enemies smell nice.
A bow that only shoots where you’re aiming if you’re blackout drunk.
A sword that does untyped area of effect damage. With d12s. Many of them.
A sword that is actually just a really big butter knife.
A crossbow that when not in use becomes a large raven to fly around on its own. It has its own, very specific ideas as to when and where it is in use.
A Staff of Goodwill that rather than making peace with others just gives you bargain bin items.
a shuriken that is actually a fidget spinner
A human made sword that is just a small sharp person
A weapon that is actually secretly a doppelganger
A tome you can only read if you drop ink in your eyes
A magic scabbard with a sword, when the sword is drawn, another scabbard is underneath
A potion of Heeling. It only repairs damage done to your heels.
An item that boasts giving you the strength of 10 men, but instead just gives you DID so you have 9 people in your head alongside you. They never stop talking.
An item sold as speaker but is actually a box that screams for no apparent reason.
Vanishing spell ink, you write your spells down and they vanish permanently an hour later
A quill that behaves as if it were the animal it came from.
+1 weapon, it’s a bogo whatever weapon you buy so that if your players buy a +1 rapier in character then they get 2 rapiers for the price of one
A sword that’s half off. You only get the blade.
A potion of darkvision that make everything look dark
A mask of many faces but only lets you look like your own face.
A goblet the entirely drains if you pour too much liquid into it
An orb of future sight but only sees a single nanosecond into the future.
A microphone that instead of projecting your voice, it instead makes it micro, by making it quieter.
Scorching Hand gloves that scorch your own hands.
A scroll that casts cone of cold but instead of a cone of ice, it creates an ice cream cone in the hand of everyone in the cone.
A robe of many things but every one of those things is a signed photo of danny devito.
A bag of holding but it’s already full of really heavy rocks
More fun facts about ancient Celtic marriage laws: There were no laws against interclass or interracial marriage, no laws against open homosexual relationships (although they weren’t considered ‘marriages’ since the definition of a marriage was ‘couple with child’), no requirement for women to take their husband’s names or give up their property, but comedians couldn’t get married
It’s Adam and Eve not Adam Sandler and Eve
I want to expound upon “comedians couldn’t get married” thing because it’s actually really interesting.
Satire was respected in Ancient Ireland. It was thought to have great power, enough to physically maim the subject one was making jokes about. Satirists could bring down kings with a witty enough insult. That was actually their original function. When the king didn’t do right by his people, a bard was supposed to compose a poem so scathing it would raise welts on the king’s skin to oust him (it was illegal for a “blemished” king to rule.) Unwarranted satire was considered a form of assault.
So what it boils down to is ancient Celts being like “These people are too dangerous to reproduce. DO NOT TRUST THEM WITH CHILDREN. EVER.”
(Context: so our group was kinda fucking around at a tavern since 2 of our party members were leaving early.)
Druid: I want the strongest alcohol at the bar
DM: ok so that’s basically straight poison at that point, roll a con save
*18*
DM: ok so you take 4 points of damage and you’re still pretty sober
Druid, ooc: can I mix anything into it to make it stronger?
DM: roll a nature check
*nat20*
DM: ok so you remember you have an herb that makes poisons stronger, so you use that to make it even stronger. Roll a con save with double disadvantage
*nat20, nat20, 2*
DM: ok so after a single sip you fall back in your chair and instantly pass out. You take, *pauses* 68 damage.
Druid, ooc: now I’m at 1hp, so I’ve taken more damage from alcohol than damage in encounters the past 2 sessions together.
Bard, ooc: the biggest danger to us is our own stupidity
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