yourplayersaidwhat:

Me (the DM): Are you trying to be stealthy as you trek through the goblin-infested forest?

Wizard: No, me and the halfling are skipping and singing.

yourplayersaidwhat:

So, it was just me, Azar (a Pureblood Yuan-Ti Bard) and my companion Rogue the Rogue (A Halfling) We’re in a dungeon to find a item that will help us capture a high level boss (A Mind Flayer). Though, we managed to stumble across him by accident. Panicking, we wondered what to do but then we realized that in my backpack, we had a Talisman of Pure Good. The good thing was this baby can dish out a 8D6 damage to evil beings by touch. The bad thing was that the both of us were Neutral and it would deal 6D6 damage if we touched it. We were both level 1 and would burst into flames if we touched it by hand. So what did we do?

Me: I use my dagger to pick up the talisman and throw it at him. (I manage to roll to not touch it and I throw it and it hits him)

DM: He goes to take it off him and throws it at Rogue (rolls a 1) …shit… The Talisman gets stuck on him and hits him again.

Both of us: (Cheering and laughing)

Rogue: Does he still take damage during each of our turns?

DM: ….. Yes…..

Both of us: (insert evil laughter)

*One very short turn later*

DM: As he slumps to the ground he yells “I would’ve gotten away with it too,if it weren’t for you meddling adventurers!” and he gets sucked into a vortex to another dimension.

…….

What the hell?! You were not suppose to kill him! You could’ve just ran outside to avoid him! Why didn’t you?!

Both of us: (Silent for a good few seconds)… because….. we’re stupid?

DM:…. OMG….. *Sighs* you both gain 2 levels with all the experience points you got off of him. (Starts muttering “I can’t believe it.”)

Both of us: *Cheers loudly*

yourplayersaidwhat:

WIZARD: Can I roll to gay?
DM: That’s always an option. Roll with your gay modifier.
WIZARD: Okay! What’s my gay modifier- charisma, or?
DM: Charisma.
WIZARD: 16.
DM: Yeah, you’re pretty gay.

l-nobby-l:

I want a dragon that breathes bullets instead of fire

like no explanation, no other visual cues that it’s anything but a normal dragon, but it just opens its mouth and GRRATATATAs out some lead

thesnadger:

Every D&D Player when their character falls unconscious: I’m dead.

Every DM, immediately: You’re not dead yet.

probablybadrpgideas:

brazenautomaton:

dear guys who make gatorade frost:

the purpose of having a name for the flavor of your product is to tell me what flavor your product is

apparently, nobody ever told you this, and so you think the purpose of naming flavors is to sound like Death Knight talents

I don’t know what Icy Charge tastes like but I’m pretty sure it’s going to move me into melee with my target and slow their movement speed by 75% for 3 seconds

Name all your spells after energy drink flavours

yourplayersaidwhat:

““Your singing was so bad you killed it. It’s dead now.””

— – Our DM, after me, a bard, sang something so horribly discordant that I murdered a goblin.

moghedien:

moghedien:

Me at a new Dungeons and Dragons game

DM: Please describe your new character

Me: ok cool *literally just says the lyrics of Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake*

needless to say, I’ve been thinking about this all day and have over analyzed this to try to determine exactly what this character would be. So class:

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond
I want a girl who knows what’s best 

Its clear from these lines that she has high intelligence and wisdom. Intelligence is emphasized with the lines “
She is fast and thorough/And sharp as a tack” and considering she is fast she likely has high dexterity. 

So this is a Dex/Wisdom/Intelligence build which makes me think that she is a ranger. She may, however be using a dueling fighting style instead of archery, since later lines say she “uses a machete” so she clearly has still with one-handed weaponry.

Her alignment is suggested in two instances. One being “With fingernails that shine like justice.” Though this doesn’t necessarily mean she idealizes justice, this can be implied. So she is on the good end of the good/evil spectrum, and because she “uses a machete to cut through red tape” she clearly is not lawful. She does not get bogged down with bureaucracy but cuts through it. There is not other indications that she chaotic, so I am inclined to call her neutral, making her neutral good. 

Her race is harder to pin down, but given that she was “eyes that burn like cigarettes,” that may suggest that she was red or orange eyes. This means  Drow or Tiefling. Now, given that she also has, “shoes that cut” this could suggest that she has sharp hooves, meaning Tiefling. I would also point out that she changes her name from Kitty to Karen, and Tiefling are known for taking on new names. 

So TL:DR, the girl with a short skirt and long jacket is a neutral good tiefling ranger named Karen who specializes in a dueling fighting style

shorthalt:

shorthalt:

Thanks dungeons and dragons for teaching me how to spell and correctly incorporate Cool Words into my vocabulary such as constitution, proficiency, dexterity, prestidigitation, initiative, and expeditious

history teacher: does anyone know what the united states constitution is?
me, who thinks im hot shit because i carry around a players handbook and eat dice for breakfast: EIGHTEEN