ive eaten shrimp exactly 5 times in my life, always with gusto and an utter lack of self-restaint, and each time has ingrained itself in my memory as distinctly nightmarish when they ended with me ralphing it all back up within the hour. i thought this was reflective of my hubris and insufficient fear of god, but it is only as i write this post now, crumpled to my knees on the floor of this eresto’s bathroom after eating half a baja taco and recalling that my dad is allergic to shellfish, i realize perhaps the issue is not with a higher power, but with a deeper one. biology.
have i told y’all the story about how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
okay so you know how in Moana, the crab Tamatoa refers to himself as a decapod? means ten legs. but he’s only got 8 legs visible. where the fuck is his last pair, thought me, kip edgebug.
now, tamatoa is a coconut crab. the last pair of legs—the legs not on tamatoa—are called the fifth pereiopods. no further information was available on Wikipedia or anywhere else. no information as to why those legs would be hidden on tamatoa. bizarre, thought me, kip edgebug. also conspicuously absent was information on coconut crab reproduction, which would be useful if someone wanted to, say, write completely anatomically accurate disney-themed crab porn.
so obviously the next step was to go scholarly. i spent maybe four or five hours that evening researching coconut crabs on various difficult to navigate academic sites. turns out there’s not a lot of public information on coconut crabs, probably because nobody wants to get close enough to a coconut crab to find out intimate info on them. i made a jstor account to access things not available to the masses.
and finally i uncovered it. the answers to both questions. I uncovered the method of coconut crab boning and the reason why tamatoa’s fifth pair of legs are invisible all in one fell swoop.
the fifth pereiopods, my friends, (get ready for this) are BANG LEGS, used for HOLDING ON to MATES during CRAB BANGING. that’s it. that’s why disney didn’t show them. because they’re DIRTY and SEXUAL LEGS. yknow, on a CRAB.
but kip edgebug, you cry, what does this have to do with getting together with your partner?
so on the particular dating site i was on, there was a prompt on user profiles that said “what do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” naturally i put “the reproductive habits of coconut crabs”, because, well. the next prompt was “what is the most embarrassing thing you’re willing to admit?” to which my answer was “did you read the thing about the coconut crabs?”
my sweetie messaged me specifically because of those answers, god help him, and i relayed the info i uncovered, and we hit it off from there
and that’s the story of how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
BOTW temple: In this puzzle you must swing the lantern to burn the leaves in order to open the door, and time your arrow perfectly so that the lantern falls on the leaves.
Me, aiming a bomb arrow: I don’t have fucking time for this
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