have i told y’all the story about how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
okay so you know how in Moana, the crab Tamatoa refers to himself as a decapod? means ten legs. but he’s only got 8 legs visible. where the fuck is his last pair, thought me, kip edgebug.
now, tamatoa is a coconut crab. the last pair of legs—the legs not on tamatoa—are called the fifth pereiopods. no further information was available on Wikipedia or anywhere else. no information as to why those legs would be hidden on tamatoa. bizarre, thought me, kip edgebug. also conspicuously absent was information on coconut crab reproduction, which would be useful if someone wanted to, say, write completely anatomically accurate disney-themed crab porn.
so obviously the next step was to go scholarly. i spent maybe four or five hours that evening researching coconut crabs on various difficult to navigate academic sites. turns out there’s not a lot of public information on coconut crabs, probably because nobody wants to get close enough to a coconut crab to find out intimate info on them. i made a jstor account to access things not available to the masses.
and finally i uncovered it. the answers to both questions. I uncovered the method of coconut crab boning and the reason why tamatoa’s fifth pair of legs are invisible all in one fell swoop.
the fifth pereiopods, my friends, (get ready for this) are BANG LEGS, used for HOLDING ON to MATES during CRAB BANGING. that’s it. that’s why disney didn’t show them. because they’re DIRTY and SEXUAL LEGS. yknow, on a CRAB.
but kip edgebug, you cry, what does this have to do with getting together with your partner?
so on the particular dating site i was on, there was a prompt on user profiles that said “what do you spend a lot of time thinking about?” naturally i put “the reproductive habits of coconut crabs”, because, well. the next prompt was “what is the most embarrassing thing you’re willing to admit?” to which my answer was “did you read the thing about the coconut crabs?”
my sweetie messaged me specifically because of those answers, god help him, and i relayed the info i uncovered, and we hit it off from there
and that’s the story of how crab dicks are directly responsible for me and my partner getting together
We were driving to a restaurant and wanted to see how long the wait was. My dad handed me the phone book and asked me to look up the number. I, for whatever reason, thought he said “get rid of this”. So I opened the window and chucked the phone book while we were going 70 MPH down the highway.
great
I stuck my hand in a bowl of soup simply because I hadn’t before.
same
When I was maybe 10-12, I threw one of my dad’s golf clubs that had no head on it like a spear down the hallway after telling my brother it would be cool.
absolutely
One time I was eating a lemon poppyseed muffin. The phone rang, so I reacted by shoving the entire muffin my mouth and eating it as fast as I could, nearly choking to death, and I didn’t even make it to the phone before it stopped ringing.
huge mood
Gave my sister a piggyback when she was giving my other sister a piggyback at the same time
i’ve been trying to hold back but. i gotta see what bill and ted fanfic is like. i gotta do it
this literally sounds like a line from the movie what the hell
this fic is actually GOOD i’ve never been more angry in my LIFE
i’m so mad and you should be too
listen i’m trying to stop clogging everyone’s dash with this nonsense but this is honestly the best line i have ever read in a fanfic in my entire LIFE i’m laughing so hard
i don’t know how i expected it to end to be honest
brianna's tumblr exports 