i was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she has a tendency to talk for several hundred years so eventually i got hungry and grabbed a rice cake and started to Munch and she goes “what’s that” and i said “i’m eating a rice cake” and she’s like “oh gross you like those?”
and without thinking i said, “they satisfy my urge to eat packing peanuts” and what followed was seven full seconds of silence
like oh okay go ahead and pretend you’ve never wanted to eat a packing peanut you pretentious fool
The reason gay people can’t drive is because God sees how fucking hype we get over everything on Shitty Car Mods and couldn’t handle the raw power of a fleet of lesbians in, like, mid-70s hearses with ironic sexy anime girls airbrushed on the hoods.
However, I, a greasy car scene bisexual and known heretic, am willing and ready to go to hell for what I believe in and cannot be stopped.
DM (to our bard): The six cultists shove you to the ground, bow to the massive green dragon, and say, “Oh Great One, we have brought you this gold and this human sacrifice as tribute to your greatness. Please accept our offering.”
Rest of Party, looking on from a distance: Shit. He’s dead. He’s so dead. RIP Edward.
DM: The dragon thanks the cultists and asks if you have any last words.
Bard: I look up at the dragon and say, “I have brought you this gold and these six cultists as tribute to your greatness.”
Rest of Party: OH SHIT!
DM, who was clearly not expecting that: …………roll persuasion.
Bard: 17.
DM: The dragon says, “I like you. Duck.”
Bard: ….I duck?
DM: The dragon incinerates the cultists with his poison breath and leaves you alive, flying off with his treasure.
Bard: Oh my god. I thought I was dead.
DM: Honestly? So did I.
most of y’all: (because you’re good people) “2018, year of the dog! good dogs brent! yay puppies!”
me: (trash) “lol how many ‘ed…ward…’ jokes am i gonna make this year”
math was a goddamn mistake id like to sit down and have a serious talk with every mathematician ever they knew perfectly well the nature of their crimes
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