Okay, but from the bottom of my heart, what the fuck is up with that genre motivational speaking where the dude goes, “They told me I wasn’t never gonna’ ‘mount ta’ nothin’, but look at me now, ma!” and then rips a fucking phone book in half for no reason?
How can I get in on that? I want to tour middle schools and be like, “Everyone said I was a fat, gay, nerd with no friends, and they were right!” but then I do the sickest banjo riff ever played, and the kids lose their minds, and the school gives me money that they siphoned from the arts, and I spend it on non-alcoholic margaritas and Magic: The Gathering cards and die at thirty-two in a knife fight.
eating artificial blue raspberry flavored candy that is so fucking blue that it turns your mouth the same unnatural blue is one of life’s simple pleasures
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