The Sexy Bards

yourplayersaidwhat:

It was my first time DMing, using the 5e d&d starter set as my campaign template. Of course, it should have been an ordinary, cliched, goblin-rich dungeon adventure… had it not been for the pair of +20 Charisma bards who broke the game:

Me: There are a pair of goblins stationed outside the–

Bard A: I SEDUCE THEM

Me: …

Me: …roll for charisma, I guess?

-Bard B rolls a 16, and Bard A rolls a nat 20.

Bard A: OIL ME UP, DANNY

Whole party: *dies*

-Both bards step into the open, strip naked, and begin erotically rubbing each other with olive oil. The goblins are entranced, and eventually begin to throw themselves at the bards.

-Having gained two allies, the party enters the goblin lair (the bards are still naked).

Me: One of the goblins warns you about three scouts ahead–

Bard A: I SEDUCE THEM

Me:

Me: …I mean, sure *laughing*

-Only one bard succeeds, but all four are having an orgy at this point, which attracts the attention of the goblins in hiding…

-The rest of the party can’t really do much at this point, especially when, after passing through every section of the lair, the pair of bards have singlehandedly bent the will of an entire goblin tribe at level 1.

-At the end of the path where the goblin chief and bodyguards are, the bards have acquired 14 goblin followers.

Me: You come to a heavy wooden door–

Bard B: Dude, this is the boss room!

Bard A: I SEDUCE THE BOSS

Me:

Me:

Me: *smirks evilly*

-Our orc forceably opens the door, after which the bards get decent charisma rolls. However, the goblin chief is ~massively~ uninterested (as the only female goblin in this adventure, she is also a lesbian). She starts yelling in Ghukliak, gesturing toward the adventurers rudely, shaking her head.

-The aforementioned orc notices the horde of goblins shoot each other glances, starting to question their allegiance as their chief lectures her underlings. He decides to take action, taking a swift step forward and executing the goblins’ leader in one blow.

There was a shocked pause.

And then, after just two rounds, my entire party was wiped out by a total of sixteen (mostly naked) rabid goblins.

A++ first experience as a DM. I have no regrets. 😂