robotlyra:

m4ge:

buying peaches is so stressful because you have to consume them so quickly…it’s like the moment the cashier types in that number the alpha peach turns to its brothers in the bags and says “alright listen up boys, it’s time to remember your training. i want to see immense bruising by sundown. i want to see you near inedible by sunrise. remember it is better to die a free man than to be eaten.” you gotta wolf down all of your peaches at the check out counter while the trader joe’s employees eagerly look at the Peach Consumption Countdown Clock and cheer you on. these peaches have sensors on them that can tell when they come into contact with human hands so they can begin their self-destruct sequence like you’re in a spy movie and the peach just relayed a message to you about the whereabouts of jimmy hoffa’s decayed remains

Or if you’re like me, you get the fucking stoic stalwarts who have apparently trained in resistance to all known ripening stimuli like martial artist monks exposing their body to the freezing mountain cold and searing desert sun, and stay as rock hard and grainy and flavorless as possible until the last fucking minute. And if you ever try to test them, they’ll leave you with a mouthful of dry, bland fibrous mess, like a goddamn act of defiance to your will, like “I know on this day, I will fall to you, but I will be certain that not a single moment of your victory will be enjoyable.”